Originally posted 15 March 2019
The title of this blog post makes me laugh a little. I could possibly call my business, ‘Finding My Way’, because if you have followed me for any length of time, you will know that I am constantly experimenting, discovering, analysing, realising and trying when it comes to this creative journey of mine.
None of this has changed, however I have become increasingly pensive. I have been pushing forward with product designs and content for blog posts and I feel that in terms of being able to open an online shop to sell my wares, I am very very slowly getting there. But there has been a nagging feeling at the back of my mind that something isn’t quite right, that something is missing. It is the question of whether I am sharing enough of ‘me’ and my story here on my blog, over on instagram and in my creative output. It is the question of whether I want to put out there a more complete reflection of who I am.
Last weekend on instagram, a very brave and honest post shared by Allison Sadler, my mentor and all round beautiful human being resonated with me. She wrote about being labelled because of the colour of her skin and feeling tired and angry about ‘racism, colourism, ignorance, intolerance and inequality’. It reminded me of a post I wrote right at the beginning of my journey here at ‘Lucylu dreams’ all about labels and identity. You can find it by clicking here if you would like to read it.
In that post on the 9th June 2017, I wrote, “being openly labelled and discriminated against in my life (here in the UK but mostly when I lived in Kenya when I was a teenager), the lack of confidence and the uncertainty I have had in who I was, has lead me to attach more importance to how other people see me and therefore more importance to who I am to others, as opposed to who I actually am and who I want to be. I have been out of balance, wanting to please others, to be accepted, without perhaps thinking about what I really wanted. My struggle has been to get back to me and decide what I want. But I’m here now and living a creative life and doing it my way is what ticks my boxes!” I admire my positivity!
When I was younger, I learnt to adapt who I was to fit in, to survive and be less conspicuous and this theme has repeated itself throughout my life. This coping mechanism has been with me ever since. I am not a risk taker, I have a fragility around confrontation and I rarely ‘rock the boat’. I am a people pleaser, over thinker and I have social anxiety. So although I talk about doing things my way, and I think I do that now more than I ever have, I still regularly hesitate in putting more of me out there when I want to. I have lost my voice and it is about fear and self preservation.
Behind the scenes, where I feel safe to do so, with my hubby, close family and a few friends, I do voice my opinions. You probably know that I feel strongly about nature and living with the seasons in mind, but you may not know that I am passionate about equality, inclusivity, diversity, sustainability and education. I’d like to somehow express this passion. I’ve realised that I need to draw upon the traits that are going to help me to speak, write and create my truth my way. I like to think that I am kind, considerate, loving, so very empathic and articulate and I write these words with slightly red cheeks as I don’t often talk about myself in a congratulatory way.
It is all about balance – recognising my strengths and keeping in mind my sensitivities (I’m not sure this word accurately describes them but I will not call them weaknesses!). I am not about to ‘rock the boat’ and become very vocal about the issues I feel passionate about, because that wouldn’t be me, but there are ways I would like to be and can be more visible. There are ways I can perhaps even make a difference.
Reading my words again and those of Allison in her heartfelt post, have inspired me to continue to tell my story. I didn’t just write those words and leave them there in that blog post 2 years ago. They and the experiences I speak of are here now and will always be with me. My story does not just involve an awakening of a love for nature and the seasons. It also involves being a woman with a beautifully rich heritage, the images and experiences of which are itching to be expressed creatively and authentically from my heart.
For me now it is all about marrying this all together in a cohesive way and to be honest, I have had ideas in spreadsheets and sketches in notepads for a good few years now and it has just been about finding my way. It may require a slight change of ‘branding’ and my tag line might need some work, but as always, I am not going to make any sudden decisions. I am going to let things evolve. I am going to feel my way and I will share as much of my process with you as I can. I think it is going to be incredibly liberating.
When I went to see Allison last year for a mentoring session, something she said to me has been sitting patiently in my heart and mind. Occasionally, it pops up into my conscious thought, it will float about a bit and eventually it sinks back down into my subconscious. She said something along the lines of, “I think there is so much of you we haven’t seen” or “I think you have so much inside you to give” and now I get it. If you are reading this Allison, thank you so much lovely.
And lovelies, thank you! For ‘listening’, hearing me out, supporting me and cheering me on. This has come from the heart, I feel vulnerable, a little fearful but happy.
If you want to connect with me, I would love that and you can do so here or on instagram.
Love, light and warmth always,