Attempting re-entry

Hello loves

At the start of last week, I felt the need to stop before I had properly started, to centre myself and prepare for the vulnerable process of being back ‘out there’. I had set myself a date for re-entry so to speak and I was overwhelmed by the tasks ahead of me. I sat on my sofa and drew in a deep breath and blew out a long exhale. I instinctively closed my eyes and rested my hands on my legs, just above the knees.

An image came to me immediately, one of a swirl of cloud with an epicentre where the energy of the mass is slowly gathering. If you have watched the film, The Day After Tomorrow (from 2004!), which I watched again recently with my youngest who loves disaster films, you may know the images I am referring to. Essentially, the image I could see was the aerial view of a weather system such as a cyclone. I was above this phenomenon and I could feel the motion of it, it’s destructive energy, pulling me towards it. I knew that it was a good thing that I was aware of it, however, I knew that I needed to resist the pull. I was crystal clear that I did not want to be in it, I was wary of it, and I had a choice and the power not to descend into it.

I continued to breathe and I became aware that the swirling mass of cloud represented negative external influences, forces and voices, and people that I am not yet enough of a distance from, whose actions continue to have a serious impact on mine and my kids’ lives. Recently, I was almost free. The kids and I were on our way out of the flat and London, but we are still here and my hands are somewhat tied. I am trapped in my current circumstances in a practical and financial sense, but I refuse to be trapped mentally and emotionally.

I am doing ‘the work’ and that means that I am above the whirlwind, able to see it without being drawn into it. I am attending my second tranche of counselling, which has been a welcome safe space to explore my internal world, which can be its own swirling mass of overthinking, self-criticism and hyper vigilance. I am working through past experiences that still have a hold on me, I am soothing my inner child and I am practicing self-compassion to the best of my current ability.

I do not want to and cannot control other peoples’ actions and behaviour and sometimes I cannot avoid the traps society and the patriarchy lay out for us. That weather system that threatens to draw me into it will always be there in one form or another no matter what I do. But my distance from it and my strength to resist it can change if I continue to evolve, to grow, to try.

This Lu is fiercer, angrier and more determined than before. Side note: Anger is a tough one for me. I grew up learning to be nice, to people please, to assimilate and to stay small. But with all due respect and apologies (stop apologising Lu!), fuck that.

This Lu is gentler, kinder and sillier than before. This Lu is a work in progress, like we all are, forever, amen.

Oh and this Lu is more confidently creative than before. I realise I have added that statement as if it is an afterthought, but I assure you it really isn’t. I have been working hard to find my voice in terms of my creativity and art, to loosen up and to set my imagination free, but boy has that been difficult. It’s a tricky one.

For the last year, in between periods of mental and physical exhaustion where I have felt paralysed by grief and anxiety; I have given myself permission to experiment, to play, to imagine, to be silly and importantly to rest. My strength and resolve to move forward have grown.

I am starting somewhere and getting there all at the same time. I have followed my heart, as I always do, to some new processes and embraced old ones. I suppose each day we are made up of what has come before and that rings true for life and art.

I am as ready as I’ll ever be, so I am attempting re-entry into what can sometimes be a toxic and unforgiving atmosphere*, especially on social media. I am also keeping a close eye on perfectionist Lu and fear of failure Lu and I’m encouraging ‘give less fucks’ Lu to show up more often.

So, moving on…I am retiring my pdf, digital embroidery patterns in my etsy shop but first offering them all at a reduced price of £1.50 + VAT until Monday 24th March 2025, after which they will be archived and unavailable to purchase.

Wow! I’m taking a moment to recognise that I designed and wrote all of these embroidery patterns and what an achievement that is.

With some trepidation but also joy in my heart, my first collection of textile artwork will be out soon, available to purchase and enjoy. There’ll be sneak peeks on insta of course and previews for my ‘love letter’ prescribers before they are available in my shop (sign up below or in the side bar). I’ll be back on the blog with ‘The Story Behind’ my first collection very soon.

Sending so much love to you for being you and for being here.

Onwards with warmth, love, hope and moments of joyful silliness,

Lu xxxxxxxxx

* What’s with the weather-related metaphors you ask? Not sure, but other metaphors are available, parts sold separately!