I won’t abandon myself

As I am writing this, the sun is shining, the garden is bursting with promise and the light coming through the little window is illuminating the voluminous, creamy pink-streaked tulip I picked from my garden last week. The tulip is dying but there is beauty in decay. There is also a tree surgeon two gardens down making a hell of a noise pollarding the neighbour’s plane trees. There will be more light for us as a result so I am trying to be calm about it. I am seeing it as a metaphor. I am that tree surgeon, albeit not as shouty! I am pollarding to let go of/cut off (the latter sounds too brutal and angry but perhaps this is actually more accurate) anything – activities, actions, beliefs, people, foods – that aren’t good for me and in doing so I am allowing more light in. I am getting rid of toxicity and making space for what is warm and kind. I wrote about the importance of light in my last blog post, which you can read here.

As I am writing this, I have an intense feeling of anxiety in my chest and across my diaphragm. My 15 year old son is in bed, unable to engage with me and the day ahead. I have left my part time job and I am now home educating him (when he feels up to it) after his attendance at regular school dropped as his anxiety increased. It has been such a hard year for my kids and my boy is really struggling. Witnessing the pain of my children is devastating. So much has happened and there are changes ahead that I feel unable to share quite yet. Sometimes, the feelings of despair, anxiety and fear overcome me and on those days I have to simplify. I curl up, stay protective and quiet and remember to breathe. Occasionally I go for a walk. I have reached out for help and am starting some form of therapy soon.

Despite the uncertainty, I often feel hopeful. I am soaking up the beauty that surrounds me, the pleasure I get from the natural world, the love I feel for my children, close friends and family and the sense of joy that creativity brings. Joy lives besides the pain. I try to write in my thought journal as often as I can and I have started an art journaling practice. I intend the latter to be a reflection of the former. I make things everyday and I have begun sharing over on instagram again. There may be space for Lucylu dreams as a business in all of this and I do have tentative plans, but at the moment, I am not putting any more pressure on myself than there already is.

Through everything that is going on around me and within me, I have made a promise to myself to remember what my dreams, values and loves are. I have made a promise not to abandon my pleasure, my body, my reflection, my truth, my past, my future, my thoughts, my joy, my growth, my healing, my power, my voice, my heart, my soul. It isn’t an easy task but I am determined not to abandon myself. This is my intention for 2023, for the future, forever.